I Cannot Believe That We Are Halfway Through January Already.
The start of this new year has turned out to be off to “a rocky start” one would say. I have spent most of it finally dealing with repressed emotions that I have, in the past, not dealt with properly. By doing this, I have also not been able to create or follow through with several planned “creative endeavors” yet and I have to be honest, I am not feeling like I have started off the year with my best foot forward.
Now although one might think that I have started off this year showcasing just how much of a hot mess I can still be, for me, the new year thus far has been full of exponential self-discovery, learning, and growth.
How Did I Even Put Myself In This Position Anyway?
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I have started the New Year off right by enrolling myself into a program where I get to further myself in all ways- and to “clean up” any old residual behaviors that were not serving my greatest self and left behind by my “old self”.
Coming from a past place of self-abuse and avoidance, these days I like to find ways where I can learn to love myself even more, and sometimes during this learning and exploration, things can get a bit messy at the start.
Taking Out The Trash
Id like you to think about my life right now being compared to a closet clean out. The kind where you take out ALL your clothes and go through each of them one by one. There is a big pile heaped onto your bed, piles on the floor. Donation. Garbage. Yes- things look messy. Anxiety might strike. But not for nothing-
At the end of the clean out things are much more tidy, organized, and you relish in the deep delight of satisfaction that this clean out brings.
So this is what I am doing- but not with my closet, with myself- and in particular with my emotions.
Past Stuck/Undealt With Emotions
I am, by nature, a positive “glass half full” type of person. I can typically find the good in nearly all situations and have a naturally positive disposition as a general way of being.
This being said, it is no secret that I also struggle with disordered eating, which I have gotten immensely better at managing (I want to say 95% recovered, but not this week).
Struggling with an eating disorder brings two aspects which I want to briefly touch on. In one aspect the disorder itself is terrible- but there is an underlying gift that it brings to the table too.
The gift of awareness that something is not quite right.
I Have A Tendency To Be Emotionally Avoidant- Do You?
In a time where there are so many external stimuli, it is so easy to distract ourselves and avoid things that we may not want to deal with.
I know that it is not just me who struggles- being emotionally avoidant is on the rise. Emotional trauma is real, and if you are anything like me (a highly sensitive person) then learning how to deal with and process emotions properly is an integral key to mastering longevity in overall health, wellness, and happiness.
Emotional Avoidance looks like spending too much time on the phone, the computer or the TV. It looks like shopping for items that a person doesn’t need in the first place or abusing drugs and/or alcohol. It rears its head with behaviors that surround control or lack of control over food. It is the workaholic or busy-bee tendencies and the strive for perfectionism and control over ourselves, others, and our environment.
If you are emotionally avoidant- you will do anything to avoid unpleasant emotions- and of course, you may not even be aware that this is something you even do.
The Problem With Avoiding What Is Real
Yes, it is great to be positive, think positively, expect positive outcomes- the whole Law Of Attraction Movement
By masking things and always being positive and trying to say that everything is alright always, is not confronting the range of emotions that need to be dealt with so that we can, simply put, move on.
Without experiencing sadness, how can we truly appreciate joy?
So, What Can We Do?
Quite simply put, we can learn to feel and process properly.
With this said, for us avoidants, this can be challenging at first.
Today I give myself the gift of staying in bed today to honor any unpleasant emotions that are coming up. I am here writing this blog post unshowered and being completely unapologetic for the current state that I am at. My “mental health day” has turned into nearly a week and I am allowing myself to be okay with this.
“I never drink alone, I always have my dog with me”.
For once, I am getting out of my head and into my body of feeling. I am literally just going to feel the sensations of the emotions, without a need for self-judgment, a need to dissect why or a need to name off each emotion I “think” I might be feeling.
Everyone will have their own way of processing, a personalized way of dealing and feeling, and it might take some time to figure yours out for yourself.
The AHA Moment
A moment comes when you realize it is all okay- all of it. The good emotions, the unpleasant emotions. The lack of self-love, compassion and the harsh judgment that we have for what we “think” is good and bad is the problem, not the emotions.
I am still learning this of course.
I hope that my post brought some insight, or some solace knowing that you are not alone 🙂
Love & Light