Letting go of perfection is a process.
The lesson of Patience, for me, has been woven into this process and has been highlighted with myself, with my environment, and with other aspects of my life.
Life is Good – and yet it Can Still be Hard
I must be honest, at 33 years old and despite coming leaps and bounds from where I was many years ago, I often feel lately like I am going through an early midlife crisis… or rather quarter life crisis with today’s greater life expectancy.
I am currently undergoing many changes, and they appear to be good. But like with any change, there is a period of adjustment needed. Lately, I definitely feel that often my feelings are disproportionate to the actual event or situation- i.e. more anxiety over situations that are, I would say, “first world problems”.
From the outside, things look pretty good. Things are in order. I have no standing grounds for any complaints. The problem, however, is that despite the pretty picture that many will see- this is just a snapshot of a much greater story. A story that is no different yet not at all similar between all of us. The stories in our heads, the challenges that may be presented to us from within our minds…
One thing that I would like to mention is that I have NOT been meditating like I used to. Why? Well… I really have no excuse at all. I just haven’t. I suppose that the main reason I got lazy with my morning routine has been a change in routine with a new relationship. I just have not made meditation a priority- thus I have fallen off the consistency wheel and have found it hard to get myself back into this powerful routine.
I authentically share this because I know this is common for many people, particularly those who have a more challenging disposition with their mental health.
Eating Disorder Update
I have a started my new recovery program, for those in active recovery and farther along in their ED journey. I am currently doing what is called Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). The first session was yesterday. DBT is a specific type of cognitive-behavioural psychotherapy used for the treatment of various mental health disorders. It still makes me feel strange to think that, perhaps… yes… I guess I do suffer from mental health. As if I still feel shame from this categorization due to the surrounding stigma…
I will write more about DBT as I go through the sessions on this blog. I am, like many others out there (and I know many of you readers) a highly sensitive individual. Sometimes feelings get overwhelming and I have a tendency to want to disassociate from the discomfort. Although I would consider myself to be 90-95% better than I have ever been, I still have tools to learn particularly when it comes to navigating through uncomfortable feelings and emotions- something that I distanced myself from for so long by trying to control other aspects of myself, and my life (i.e my environment).
Learning to Have Patience With Myself, and Others.
Giving myself credit for this awareness is, at the very least, something I can do at this moment. Instead of beating myself up over what I haven’t done, perhaps just the awareness of where I am at is good enough for now. And maybe I can just be okay with the fact that I haven’t charged into 2019 with guns a-blazin’.
There are so many new changes and more changes that will be coming this year- my patience with the process of these changes, and what the process may bring with it (change in habits, rituals, lifestyle, new beginnings and endings, etc.), will be critical towards the continued success of my active recovery from Bulimia and support of my mental health.
Sometimes, during changes (and the discomfort that can come with) it can be easy to focus on things that, in the big picture of life, are quite trivial.
A great segway into something that has been on my mind now FOR WEEKS. I am still waiting on the stone samples for my kitchen. I was hoping to have them much sooner so I could then move forward with paint swatches and flooring. I am waiting patiently and I am a person who (when she wants something done) wants things done yesterday. Being okay with a space that is in pre-renovation condition has been challenging on my psyche. It challenges my need for having everything in its place looking perfect, always. A tactic which I have turned to for years to make me feel in control.
It’s amazing how such a first world “dilemma” aka waiting game has opened me up towards the understanding of just how much I cling onto the need to control my environment. Really, to put things in perspective, I have a roof over my head, the ability and resources to create a space I so desire, the freedom to even do any of this in the first place- and yet I struggle with being tolerant and being in a wise-mind that would allow my feelings to be proportionate to the situation.
Surely, I know am not the only one like this.
But you see the cycle here- change is inevitable and with it brings uncertainty. The uncertainty brings feelings of discomfort which I then try to relieve by trying to control my environment- only to realize that I cannot even do that right now… because even my environment is beyond my control (due to my renovation, which brings about its own elements of uncertainty as I rely on others to get the job done).
and so where does this leave me?!
The Illusion of Perfection
Life is dynamic, it has its ups and downs given the various seasons. If anything, to think that life needs to be “perfect” (whatever perfect even looks like) is inevitably a recipe for disaster. Pushing myself back into a box of unrealistic expectations and disapproval of myself is not an option at this point- this is a choice that I have made. Instead, gaining the valuable tools needed to navigate through this beautiful, yet often difficult journey (aka LIFETIME) is my focus for this early part of 2019.
Due to my own ideas of how I have to have things be “perfect” particularly with my home, I am slightly paralyzed due to the inability to control my environment within my current situation. Life is showing me that I just need to let things be, because, for the most part, there is not much else I can do right now except to have patience. (Oh, and perhaps meditate).
As I move closer and closer to my ultimate life worth living, I am reminded to be patient with the process and to let go of perfection- on several different levels. This is critical towards the long term success of, well, me.
To all of you out there that this post resonates with, I wish you the same for the year ahead. The ability to accepts things as they are (as hard as I know it can be at times), growth, love, peace, learnings, joys- and any struggle or sadness that may come up in the midst of it all, I hope can be used as a catalyst to help shift you into a space of change for the better.
Many people face battles within themselves, rarely are these struggles shared openly for fear of judgment or to save face. ESPECIALLY when we hit new milestones of success, it can be hard to be honest and say we may feel like we have suddenly taken (a few) steps back.
Through my own vulnerability, I hope that this post may help another recognize that you are not in this alone.
I welcome any comments below 🙂
xo AK