Dear Diary- and everyone else,
I hate being rushed- and that is how it was this morning to get out the door and to an appointment for 9 AM.
In a frantic rush to get out of the house on time, of course I had forgotten my daughter’s health passport which was needed for our appointment so we had to head back.
They are repaving our street so it was a slight rigmarole to get back. And then, the incident occurred.
I felt the emotion of anger- maybe it was slight rage. I was triggered by the green bin yard trimmings that we had put out, not being picked up. It is not really necessary I get into the details of it…
Okay fine ill just get into it- we were directed to put our (brimming full) green bin in a specific spot to get picked and then they blocked it off from being able to get picked up anyways. OKAY- So when I think about it now, it really is not that big of a deal BUT it triggered me- hard.
So yes, the situation did escalate (I took it there) and it resulted in me both yelling and swearing (although just one f -word) at a construction lady standing in the middle of an unpaved road within a golf course community.
Not my finest moment. Might I add that this is definitely NOT typical behaviour.
However there is nothing I can do to change the past so I am completely shameless at this outburst of anger-
Okay, okay- I feel a bit shameful about my outburst. Honestly, I feel sorry that I took it there so quickly. It feels slightly similar to having a moment of doing something and then after having regrets but this time I was sober.
But moving forward, I look at this ‘altercation’ if you will, as an opportunity to look at my “shadow-self” and understand the part of me that is quick to boil- easy to temper. Happy to anger.
I have done posts on anger before- not many. Not enough. I like to talk about the emotion of anger because it is ‘so faux-pas’ to express or have public bouts of anger like this. And I think to myself, there is probably so much more behind this… I have to admit it felt good to yell out my truth about the green bin, it felt good to get it out!
Anger suppression only leads to further destruction and so I share about healthy ways to release anger so that something like this does not build up and occur.
The occurrence of this timely emotion is interesting because I have been reading a lot about shadow work which I will be doing a post on soon. I am also doing my 30-day reboot which eliminates all use of alcohol for 30 days. You would think that I would be feeling amazing but I am actually feeling a bit like crap. I am also always super tired in the mornings. I have felt like this for a bit now. This is likely because I have a 6 month year old and also I am amidst a pandemic right now so there’s always that part of me thinking, “Do I have COVID?- did I catch it off an orange peel from the grocery store?” But then that would mean I have had COVID for the past 2 months… I would rather just think I am spiritually transitioning.
Okay so getting back to anger,
SO I felt anger in that moment and I just needed to let it out- I ended up screaming at someone, the f-word went flying and then just like that I needed to hop into the car because we were running late for Aria’s immunization appointment and so off we go. Rich mentioned that I have been irritable the past few days and then did a jab-joke about me “withdrawing from wine”. This proceeded to further trigger my already fragile and ill-tempered state, and I quickly snapped back “I’m not an alcoholic”.
I have been able to curb my 2 glasses of wine a day habit to zero with a snap and honestly have not thought about drinking much at all- but what is behind my feeling of being so triggered if I know this then?
hmmmm, something to explore.
With shadow work it is not always about knowing the answers, but rather the awareness and exploration. I share this moment with you all, because anger is both healthy and normal to feel in life. I think that I never thought this to be true growing up and so I still hold it in at times and then it may release in unhealthy ways.
So, this is and was a beautiful opportunity to share with you and also be honest with myself about something that has come up that might be a cause for further exploration– and if anything, have a little chuckle looking back.
I mean, I lost it over a green bin today.
How about you? Have you ever lost your cool? How comfortable are you with feeling anger or talking about anger? My hopes are that my wonderful Heilkunst practitioner Stacey Dye will be able to share her own stories and insights on this topic <3 Coming soon!
Leave a comment below! Talk soon!